My family and I were on
our way to a cave with a bunch of other families. The television had told us
that meteorites were heading towards Earth. One of them was about the size of
Texas. My mother had been brushing my hair for a party that was happening later
in the afternoon, when it said that we should go to the caves that had been
built for a situation like this. They said something about the sixth mass
extinction. It was supposed to be humans as a whole and global warming that
killed us slowly not a meteorite like the dinosaurs. My mom’s hand stopped mid
stroke and I heard her gasp softly. She told me to pack a backpack with food
and that she was going to talk to Dad. I just shrugged and went to the
kitchen. I didn't realize what a big deal it was at the time. Call me stupid
but I trusted my mom and dad to take care of me. After I was finished I walked
out and saw my family with backpacks like mine. I was about to ask if we
were going to the party early until I saw my mom’s face. The fear in her usually
calm eyes made me nervous. My dad put his hand around my arm and said that it
was time to go. I didn't find out where I was going until the cave came into
view. When we got in I found out that it was big enough to fit a few trucks!
Almost everyone in my neighborhood was there. We just sat there waiting for the
Hit. My mom and dad had their arms around me and each other. After about
two hours we heard a boom which was followed closely by a whizzing sound, the
first of many. That’s when the memory stops. I let out a breath that I didn't realize I was holding. Everyone was gone. I let out a shorter breath. I’m all
alone. I start to hyperventilate but the thoughts keep coming. I don’t have a
family. No mom or dad. Black spots start to cloud my vision. No best friend or
any friends at all. I stumble past the bodies that I now recognize as my
neighbors, friends, and stop beside my mom and dad. I drop to the ground
scraping my hands and knees and reopening cuts I didn't know I had. My dad’s
body was flung across my mom’s and there was an open space that must have been
where I was passed out. His usual dark brown hair had a layer of dirt on it
turning it a lighter shade. His green shirt was covered in dirt and blood that
was probably his, but might be my mom’s, or even mine. I reached out to touch
the soft fabric. It reminded me of when I was about to go to bed and he would
hug me good night. I look at my parents together and whisper “I love you guys.”
You really need to use paragraphs to acknowledge the topic shifts in your narrative. Some character inner monologue would help the reader have a stake in the action, too. There's lots of setting description and telling the reader that characters are moving, but very little characterization...
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